It Runs in the Family

"Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about."

Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Producers of TV Show South Park

A few days ago, I became aware that my brilliant cousins are once again giving a strong showing in their respective fields. My dear cousin Michael has just been accepted into the Poem and Poetry Masters program at the University of Chicago (an alma mater of Chhatrapati Lukeji's father), while over at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Jeff the chemist extraordinaire has just accepted a fellowship for graduate level research with the Department of Defense, which will provide substantial amounts of funding for his work. Inspired by their achievements, your dear Chhatrapati Lukeji wrote the following email to Michael to acknowledge and celebrate this magnificent new undertaking. The email requires some context. Firstly, for his senior thesis, Michael wrote about the contemporary Irish poet Paul Muldoon, a Pulitzer prize recipient and professor at such universities as Oxford and Princeton. Secondly, Jeff and I, being from the fields of chemistry and international studies, respectively, often joke with each other about our areas of interest. I, for example, know nothing about chemistry, whereas Jeff claims an equivalent lack of expertise in the area of international studies. In order to compensate for our respective lack of knowledge in each other's areas of speciality, we have devised an ingenious system of communication in which we make bold statements filled with as many buzzwords pertaining to the topic in question in our assertions, thereby appearing to be experts in the eyes of everyone else except those who actually possess knowledge on the topic. 

Chhatrapati Lukeji to Michael:

Hello M C Hammer,

Congratulations on your acceptance at University of Chicago! While I am sad that we will not be sharing a year together in DC, I have no doubt that your final decision was nothing less than an exhaustive assessment of each program that left no component unexamined. Furthermore, this will give me one additional reason to return to the fair city of Chicago, a place that I truly love and am just beginning to know. I hope you are up for more crazy nights on the town, because next time you and I are in the city there will be many a bar to visit and many a brew to happily consume.

Assuming that this email list mass send out becomes a regular occurrence, be sure to add me to your list. I will joyously read every email you send, and, depending on the frequency, I may even respond.

Lastly, I know that you take your academics quite seriously, and in honor of this prodigiously awesome occasion I even tried my own hand at writing you a poem. Here it goes:

A Masterful Ode to the Great Michael Martell

You like poetry and I think that is really cool

I am sure you will have a great time at school

U of Chicago is no longer the place where "fun goes to die"

Now its as cool as an Igloo with a capital "I"

This decision of yours is as monumental as the first man on the moon

I still haven't read your senior thesis on Paul Muldoon

But I will definitely read the next thing you write

Because I am sure it will be insanely tight

Because you are really bright

Just like your brother

And your mother

Yeah.

Now that I have blown you away with my lyrical prowess, I would just like to remind you that such talent is not necessarily innate, but rather developed over years of discipline and practice. And despite the fact that your cousin is clearly a brilliant poet, that is not to say that there cannot be two brilliant poets in the family. For that matter, if you think about it, our family appears to have adopted a "strength in numbers" strategy of dominance, and to illustrate I refer to you the number of lawyers in our familiar circle. Last time I counted, there were not one, not two, not three, nay, but FOUR! What, pray tell, can trump that? Five lawyers, ok, fine. But surely you see my point. Even your older brother, from what I understand, is something of a wizard at that chemistry stuff that he does, and if he ever needs any advice you can tell him to come to me (the other chemistry expert of our family). All he really needs to do is ensure that his molecules are effectively bound together in a crystalline lattice, thereby undergoing rapid oxidation and harnessing the ionization potential to ensure that the trends in their atomic radii produce consistent results with the cations of their negatively charged anions. And always be mindful of the Bronsted Lowry acid base theory, otherwise bad things could happen.

You see, dear cousin, what I am really trying to concisely and laconically state is that we are all quite proud of you, and we wish you the very best for the future. As long as that is what you get out of the above passages, then I have no doubt that you will find success in every direction you turn. Furthermore, you can always count on our support, especially mine when it comes to writing (I write real good).

Do keep in touch, and say hello to the family for me. All the best to all the Best!

Love,

Luke



Michael to Chhatrapati Lukeji:


This is the best email I've received in at least 2.5 years. Thank you, Luke. I'll pass on the instructions to Jeff and hang the Masterful Ode on my wall.




Jeff to Chhatrapati Lukeji:


I can't help but wholeheartedly concur with your assessment, Luke.  It reminds me of the situation in the Middle East; given the efforts toward counterinsurgency, we need to reach out to political action groups across the spectrum, all of whom recognize that as long as the economic situation remains tenuous, it will surely be reflected in the GDP at next year's international summit.