Top 10 Fictional Characters Who I Wish Were Real

It's really just a bit of silliness. 

I was quite shy when I was growing up, and though there were a number of kids my age near where I lived I was far from comfortable in most social settings amongst said individuals. Instead, a young Chhatrapati Lukeji buried himself in novels and lived in fantasy worlds in which brave knights fought dragons and rescued damsels from utter peril. At recess I pretended to be interested in football or red rover or whatever the rage was, but after school I went home to join my literary friends who always waited for me patiently and never left me behind. In the pages of novels and later on screen I joined these characters as they cast their first spells, or found new lands through the back end of a wardrobe, or ventured 20,000 leagues below the sea. My friends nobly saved the world from intelligent alien societies, journeyed across nine kingdoms to honor their commitments, and roamed this world and others in search of great adventure. Even after childhood, I continue to collect and celebrate their stories, both old and new. They were real to me then. They are real to me yet.


"The magic never ends."

-C. S. Lewis in Shadowlands

10) Jake Wyler

High School Hero, Prom King, First String Varsity Quaterback

"Not Another Teen Movie"

"Oh it's not a Sundae. It's a banana split."

Let's be honest. Everyone at some point or another wanted to be the cool, popular kid in school. Unfortunately for 99.99% of the people who have had that aspiration, there can only be one or two at each school. The rigidity of the hierarchy is what creates its alluring exclusivity, and the brutal requirements for the much coveted title of teenage royalty instantly disqualify nearly everyone, except for the privileged few blessed with a set of genetic traits, social skills, and athletic prowess that grant them the superhuman status that propel them to high school celebrity. Sound familiar? Actually, not really. Popularity contests, though great for satirical low budget flicks, are probably less a reality and more a post high school obsession in a prudent, somewhat sexually repressed society that sexualizes prepubescent girls that draw their inspiration from Disney stars who, in direct violation of the artificial values for which they are supposed to stand, take racy photos of themselves and publicize them shamelessly. But I see the point. High school is raw, raunchy, and without limits. At no other point in life is life itself so confusing or formative. And that is precisely why the arch stereotype of the high school hero is so ingrained in the US social mentality. 

Enter Jake Wyler. He rolls up in a red, 1980's model Ferrari. Walking, nay, swaggering into his secondary level kingdom, he is the epitome of ease and confidence. Sporting a varsity jacket (pardon the pun), he passes swooning admirers (of both genders) and receives paparazzi style attention before he even arrives at his locker. Life is good for Jake Wyler. So good, in fact, that he must take a bet to turn the geekiest and most socially graceless girl in the school, Janie Briggs, into this year's Prom Queen, thereby setting off on a heavily satirical romp through the high school social structure and embarking on an obscenely but delightfully predictable process of self-rejuvenation that forces him to arrive at the shocking conclusion that true beauty is on the inside, and that one should never dwell too much on what others think about him. Theodore Giesel, known better by his pen name as Dr Seuss, perfectly stated this point when he said: "Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Side note: the actor who played Jake Wyler in Not Another Teen Movie also played the role of Lucas Lee in Scott Pilgrim vs The World.

9) Captain Hallelujah Roberts

Commodore of Her Majesty's Royal Navy, Devout Christian, Protector against Mutiny

Terry Prachett's "Nation"

An obscure minor character renowned for his devotion to God and his unrivaled bravery. Captain Roberts accepted the enlistment of an ensign whom he knew to be trouble in the hopes of bringing that man closer to God. Roberts failed in this quest, as the ensign stirred up a mutiny that brought Her Majesty's Ship to a full scale rebellion. According to the legend, in the midst of the fighting on board the vessel, Roberts stormed out of his quarters with a mini cannon and threatened to bring down the entire ship. The mutineers instantly surrendered, and they were forced off of the ship (though near enough to the Great Southern Pelagic Islands, a fictional archipelago, that they would survive). Captain Roberts was also known for his habit of bellowing out church hymns during violent storms, with the raging waves crashing perilously down on the stern and bow. Unfazed, unscathed, and utterly fearless, Captain Roberts was as fine a captain as any in Her Majesty's Royal Navy unto death itself, when a storm sent his vessel crashing into the rocky shores of Mau's Island Nation. 

8) Bert

Chimney Sweep, Jack of all Trades

"Mary Poppins"

"But I spends me time in the ashes and smoke, in the whole widest world there's no happier bloke."

Self-proclaimed as the happiest bloke in the whole widest world, Bert is a perpetually good natured and supernatural counterpart to the charming, witty, and practically perfect Mary Poppins. Appearing throughout the film as a blue collar worker of varying professions, Bert is the ever happy go lucky source of inspiration to the Banks children as they journey through the streets of industrial London in their thrilling adventures with their clever, magical caretaker. Played in the well known film by Dick van Dyke, Bert is a true gentleman (forbearance is the hallmark of his creed) whose dazzling courtesy and natural reassurance hold a looming, Post Victorian city at bay. 

7) Esmeralda

Gypsy, Selfless Heroine

Walt Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"

"God help the outcasts, children of God."

I have had a few crushes on Disney heroines, but in terms of fiery personality Esmeralda is undoubtedly the most captivating. Unrivaled in her vigilant commitment to justice, Esemeralda is the gypsy heroine who saves Quasimodo from public scorn and ridicule and faces Judge Claude Frollo at the height of his power. While others pray for wealth, fortune, or fame, she prays for equality and relief to end the suffering of the poor and downtrodden outcasts of Paris. 

The Hunchback of Notre Dame was one of my favorite Disney movies during my childhood, for both the storyline and the soundtrack. In my opinion, Disney had a second golden age in the nineties, in which it was able to produce films that blended childhood innocence and imagination in a way that transcended generational lines. Bottom line, any girl that voluntarily breaks social barriers in a selfless attempt to protect the integrity of a complete stranger at great personal risk to herself is something of a dream come true for me, and with emerald green eyes the size of dinner plates I am not sure if there is a man in the world who could possibly resist a girl like that. Side notes: Esmeralda is voiced by Demi Moore. Quasimodo is voice by Tom Hulce, who is perhaps best known for his role as Mozart in the film Amadeus. 

6) Matthew Patel

Ramona's First Evil Ex, Has Mystical Powers, Dresses like Pirate

"Scott Pilgrim vs. The World"

"Pirates are in this year!"

Ramona Flowers has seven evil X's (XXXXXXX). Mathew Patel is X number one. Literally crashing Sex BaBomb's debut performance at the Rocket Theater, Patel is dismayed to learn that Scott Pilgrim has neglected to fully appreciate the gravity of Patel's email (which explains the situation). Patel and Pilgrim fight each other in an awesome battle of fire and sound and demon hipster chicks. Pilgrim wins by knocking Patel out with a cymbal to the head, and as a reward he gains a level up and some coins that partially pay for his bus ride home. More importantly, he gets to continue dating Ramona. 

Patel is a gung ho, cavalier challenger who despite catching Scott Pilgrim off guard gets thoroughly owned by the perplexed but lovestruck bassist, and he again literally disappears from the movie upon being defeated. Though not immediately evident from his heavily made up facial appearance, Patel is supposedly of Indian ethnicity, and this is indeed made more evident by both his surname and the subtle Indian motif in the battle hymn that ensues after his spirited declaration of war. 

5) Randy Marsh

South Park's Resident Geologist, Father of Stan Marsh

South Park

"I think I know what it is but I don't want to say it..."

There are probably not very many geologists who can claim to have a set of life experiences equal to that of Randy Marsh. Whether flying high on medicinal marijuana, making a bigot of himself on national television, or defending his beloved town from annexation into New New Jersey, Randy Marsh never fails to rise to the occasion in his own unique way. The father of Stan Marsh, Randy's behavior often seems to reverse the natural relationship of father and son so that he, and not Stan, is usually the one getting into trouble. Befriending at times such individuals as Osama bin Laden, Randy is as unpredictable as he is irresponsible. And for that I love him.  

4) Hiro Protagonist

Last of the Freelance Hackers, Concert Promoter, Pizza Delivery Man for Uncle Enzo's Mafia, and the Finest Swordsman in the Metaverse

Neal Stephenson's "Snow Crash"

In the real world, the idea of a pizza man saving the world would fall in somewhere between the unlikely and the fantastic, a vast expanse of the surreal and unfathomable mixed in with a bit of chaos and a dash of insanity. Luckily for our hero Hiro, he is no ordinary pizza man, and the world (or worlds, I should clarify) in which he lives are no ordinary worlds, and even the definition of "saving" in his context merits a wonderfully liberal interpretation. Unlike Hiro, most pizza delivery men are not also designers of an elite alternate cyber-reality in which they can modify their own avatars. Though in reality Hiro may seem an average, entry level member of society, within the Metaverse he is essentially a supernatural being who can navigate the complex and ever evolving labyrinth of channels without effort or difficulty. There are those who straddle both of Hiro's worlds, but Hiro alone seems to dive at will into both, moving between reality and cyberspace in a way that few could understand and none could emulate. 

The mission is simple. Relying almost entirely on his abilities as a hacker and his knowledge of the source code to the Metaverse that he wrote with a few other cyber wizards, Hiro must stop the virus called "Snow Crash," originally introduced as a high intensity designer drug at a high rolling Metaverse nightclub, from infecting a conference of the cyber intelligentsia, thereby leading to the thusly inevitable deterioration of humanity. The problem is that the virus, Snow Crash, is unique in that it has similar distorting effects in the real world as well as in the Metaverse. While the rest of the freelance hackers have been systematically disoriented by Snow Crash, Hiro abandons his job as a pizza delivery man for the mafia and befriends the enigmatic, sassy, and quite young YT (short for Yours Truly), whose former job as a "Kourier" provides her with the crucial skills required for high speed escapes and evading capture.

While Hiro and YT become more engrossed in defending the rest of humanity from Snow Crash, Hiro discovers that the root of Snow Crash is actually an infectious form of psychological disruption based on neurolinguistic patterns of the ancient Sumerian language. The powerful virus is being used as a weapon by L Bob Rife, a new age, spiritual leader who is attempting to spread his religion to all of humanity (he even travels around on a massive flotilla with the USS Enterprise as his personal yacht, a throwback reference to L Ron Hubbard, the insane founder of Scientology, who also traveled around the globe via his yacht, Freewinds). Coming into contact with Rat Things (autonomous Guard Units used to protect Mr Lee's Greater Hong Kong), mafioso kingpins, counterculture programmers, Pentecostal Priests, an enraged swordsman, and an Aleutian Harpoon master, Hiro finds himself at the center of a conflicting global forces struggling to propagate their own agendas, and is perhaps the only individual who can end the chaos and protect humanity. 

3) Carmen Sandiego

Former ACME Operative, Head of VILE Criminal Organization, Knowledge Hungry Villainess

Carmen Sandiego franchise

"Catch me if you can."

On the subject of chaos, none of these characters more prodigiously adores chaos than the mysterious super villainess Carmen Sandiego. As mentioned a few weeks ago, this cunning and sophisticated nemesis of global stability at times appears to desire nothing more than to seek out and control all human knowledge for herself, leaving the rest of humanity in the dark recesses of a primitive existence characterized by universal ignorance. What that would give her, aside from bragging rights, is not clear. Head of the the VILE (Villains' International League of Evil) Criminal Organization that she herself founded, Sandiego is actually a renegade agent of the ACME Detective Agency, whose brilliant and fearless operatives keep her and her team of dastardly crooks at bay. Sandiego's criminal exploits have included such astounding criminal feats as the robbery of the keys to the Forbidden City, the Nile River Delta, and the Olympic Flame, and an elite team of ultra intelligent robots developed by VILE are employed to copy and remove the hieroglyphics from ancient Egyptian monuments. Despite the mobilization of the best minds and scholars at ACME, Sandiego is always one step ahead of her ACME gumshoes, who prove as adept at bagging her henchmen as they are futile at cornering Sandiego. 

Many men would probably find Ms Sandiego intimidating. She is secretive, elusive, brilliant (yes, that's right, she is smarter than YOU) and her motives are about as easy for the lay man to decipher as it is for him to design, build and coordinate the placement of a satellite into orbit around Jupiter. Rocking her imperial red trench coat and matching fedora that typically covers her eyes, she is flashy and flamboyant in that special way reserved for those who ignore the constraints of conventional society and live by their own rules (and in their own worlds). Though I always go for the good guys, it is this bad girl who, along with the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, also stole my boyhood heart. 

2) Austin Danger Powers

International Man of Mystery, Swinging 60's Hipster, British MI6 Operative, Sex Symbol

Austin Powers trilogy

"Yeah baby yeah!"

SWINGING SIXTIES HERE I COME BABY YEAH! That's Austin Powers, and Danger is his middle name. A James Bond-esque figure of the 60's hipster variety, there's no man quite like Austin, known also as the International Man of Mystery. Curiously, his training, judging from his tactics during missions, appears to emphasize the art of seduction and coy coquetry over more traditional skills such as sleuth, marksmanship, or tact. Of additional concern is his sense of loyalty, which is directly observed in the aftermath of the Cold War, where he is initially unfrozen in the presence of, among others, a Russian general.

"What is he doing here?"demands a disoriented Powers.

"The war is over," his chief flatly replies. 

"Aha," exclaims Powers. "At last those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh comrades?"

"Austin, we won the war."

"Oh, smashing! Yay capitalism!"

Austin is also perhaps the only man to have singlehandedly seduced Vanessa Kensington (Elizabeth Hurley), Felicity Shagwell (Heather Graham), and Foxy Cleopatra (Beyonce Knowles). Well done there old boy. I'm certainly not jealous or anything, no, not me! [shifts uncomfortably]. But in all seriousness, thank you for stopping Dr Evil from using his giant moon laser to destroy the world. Things on this planet are cool and groovy once more, and we owe it all to you. 

1) Artemis Fowl

Adolescent Criminal Mastermind turned Reluctant Hero

Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl Series

"Gold is Power."

Every hero requires a villain, and Artemis Fowl is one whose unrivaled brilliance, unchecked ego, and considerable family wealth enable a young, unscrupulous Artemis to track down and kidnap a leprechaun.

Well, not exactly a leprechaun. Actually, its Captain Holly Short, a ranking member of the LEP Recon, an elite paramilitary organization maintained by the City Council of the Lower Elements Police that is tasked primarily with ensuring that humans (in LEP jargon, Mud Men), do not discover the existence of the technologically advanced, multi-species society that exists deep down below the Earth's surface. Though young Master Fowl is a bit too grown up for leprechaun and their pot of gold stories, he does now find himself with a key bargaining chip against the LEP and a means of restoring his family fortune to its former glory. His plan is foolproof, his methods are lethal, and his composure is perfectly even. But though he eventually does succeed in extracting the ransom for Short's release, in later adventures he bonds with his former enemies and even helps them save both the Fairy Underworld and the human world in adventures that take him into contact with trolls, goblins, dwarves, the Russian Mafia, and even himself (literally, Artemis travels back in time and has to do battle with a younger version of himself). 

I could go on, but I will stop myself here. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Artemis Fowl: